That side of my family knows the problems I've had. They know it's a sensitive subject for me right now. I was 9 weeks pregnant when I went to her wedding. They knew because frankly after we saw the heartbeat, and the chance of loss goes down to 5% - I was too excited to not tell them. She and I were talking (we used to be very close) and she confesses that because of her 15 years of multiple eating disorders and drug use, she'd have no idea if she'd ever be able to have kids. There were YEARS she went without ever having a period because of her disorder, so I quickly realized how scary that must feel. I had no idea then that I'd be in a similar spot - not knowing if I can ever have a successful pregnancy. But now the tables are turned. I'm not sure exactly how far along she is - I didn't have enough strength to ask my mom.
Am I happy for her? Absolutely. But don't ask me to be excited or to want to share in her joy right now. I just can't do it. Is it selfish? Sure, I think so. Do I care? No. I have no intention on participating in her baby shower. She's likely due (if I do my math correctly) within a month of when my last pregnancy was due. So the last thing I want or need is a reminder that I had yet again failed.
It's times like this that I wish I were a better person. Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean I should take it out on other people. But I'm not a better person. I can't sit here and pretend like I want to message her and say congratulations. And because she is a better person than I am - she wouldn't expect that, she knows it would be too hard.
Why is it when you want something so bad, and yet can't have it - everyone around you suddenly has one? A new car or new laptop - it's all the same. When you want one you're suddenly reminded how fortunate everyone else is that they got one, and you can't have one.
1 comment:
For starters, I can't even imagine what you've lived through. That said, I do NOT think you are being selfish. You have every right to be upset and not care. This isn't nearly the same as what you've experienced but K & I eloped and I didn't think I had regrets, but now with so many weddings this year and next, I am really pissed. I am really upset that I didn't push for what I wanted (it was my parents who were not supportive at the time...). Someday I'll get over it, but I am NOT happy about participating in these upcoming weddings. So while your experiences have been much more life altering and serious (I'm sorry for comparing myself to you...), I don't blame you for being hurt and upset. People need to be sensitive of those around them and your cousin (not saying that she hasn't done this) needs to be an adult about this.
Post a Comment