Where's my faith, you ask?

God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less!

I saw this the other day, and couldn't help but sit and stare at it for a while.  I wouldn't say I'm a die-hard Catholic, but I was raised in the Catholic faith.  But in the past two years, each of these miscarriages have been so much more than just a loss of pregnancy for me - which is why each one gets that much harder.  Each time I lose a pregnancy, I lose more and more of my faith and my belief in God.

God doesn’t promise us understanding


I sit here, when the house is quiet and no one is around asking myself all sorts of questions. I first start with the whys.  If there's something bigger, better plan out there for me, why can't I be clued into it? Why can't I know what is going on in my own life?

Then I move on to the what (associated with guilt).  What did I do wrong last time? What could I have done this time to make sure the baby implanted properly? What can I do next time?  Should there even be a next time? I KNOW it's not my fault - I get that. That doesn't stop me from wanting answers.

He promises us peace beyond understanding.


Really? I'm not so sure of that.  Where's my peace? I may not get answers but why can't I even get an ounce of peace knowing that someone, with more control than me, has some master plan?  I have no comfort in the fact that things are in limbo right now. I feel nothing even closely related to peace, and haven't for two years now!

Trust more, question less!


No.  I wish I could feel differently.  But I don't.  I don't like feeling this way. I don't like not having faith that everything in my life will fall into place like it's supposed to.  I don't like that I want to cringe every time we say morning prayer at school.  That's not me. But that's who I've slowly become.  I used to embrace religion - regardless of what kind or faith you followed.  I embraced the fact that so many people out there didn't believe, because it wasn't right for them, because I took comfort knowing where I stood.  And now I don't have that.  I'm so angry that I' even in this position to doubt my faith.  I'm angry that a God, who supposedly wants what is best for us, would allow me to be in this place spiritually. I realize we have free-will for a reason, but why give someone free-will and then provide them with every single excuse to run far, far away from you? What good does that do? Do you only want people who don't question or doubt? Because that's not fair.  Do you only want people who believe blindly? There's not too many people out there like that anymore.