Trauma is a bitch

Adoption was a blessing for us, but no one, and I repeat no one, could have prepared us for the struggles we would face.  It's funny - when a mom is putting her child up for adoption through a private agency, she is offered therapy.  At the expense of the adopting family (through the insane fees the agency charges).  When the mom declines, that agency eats those fees. When she accepts, the mom gets the guidance and support she needs to come to terms with her decision.

What about the child? Where is that therapy? The therapy of being ripped from their parent, and the life they knew, and being placed in a new home.  And then, if that fostering doesn't result in adoption, they're ripped again from the home they knew, and replaced. Where is THAT therapy? That's on the new parents.  That's what parents do. Get their children who are pleading for help in the only way they know how (acting out), and get them help.

And while they're getting help, what happens to the parents. When do they get help? When do they get to breath? When do they get someone to walk them through this? What does that look like? Because while we are beyond fortunate that we do not pay for the agency that is helping L and soon to be helping A, what if we were? We can barely pay bills some months, how do families do that? How do families survive this?

As everyone is posting these amazing new years resolutions, goals and hopes for 2020, I'm sitting in my living room, sobbing. I'm listening to the sound of my oldest scream, and stomp and scream because (her words) "I didn't get what I wanted".  And when a consequence happened, one she was aware of, warned of and warned a second time of, she opted to do what she wanted.  Again, because she wanted.  And my middle, for the first time in 5 years of therapy, used a tool.  She used a tool she learned this afternoon, thanks to her amazing caseworker.  When I brought it up and reminded her of that tool she came back from the brink of no return, and she breathed, and she used her words, and she calmed down.

But what about me? Do I just power through until they're "ok" and then spend time / money / energy in therapy? How do I cope? What does mom do? Between 3 kids we have 6 weekly therapy sessions (two happen during school), and 3 nights spent at practice / sports.  So when does mom get help? How does mom get help? #askingforafriend #imthefriend