Goodbye Lima

I debated about deleting this site, but I changed my mind. I don't think deleting it and pretending this didn't happen is going to help me get over what did happen.



A few weeks ago (8wks, 2days) I had an ultrasound and lima looked perfect.  Unfortunately a few days after that, Lima gave up and his heart stopped beating.

I found out October  19 when I went for a check up because I just didn't feel right and there he was.  Smaller than the last time, and no HB. I was crushed.  Thankfully unlike my last doctors office, this one was supportive and gave me time to process everything before shoving me out the door.

I went to the hospital yesterday, Oct 20th to put all of it behind me and have a D&C.  My last miscarrage dragged out for months, I didn't want to deal with that again. I couldn't handle the idea of not knowing when it was going to happen, how long it'd take, if I'd pass all of it or if I'll still need surgery. So I just went in and had it done.



Since I've had two random m/c without much explanation, and this one happening so late in the process,  I'm going in for testing in the beginning of November to see if we can pinpoint what the problem is.  If we can figure out a problem and solution, I will be relieved and willing to try again.  However, if we can't, I can't be sure that I will.  Going through this once was hard enough..  Going through it again, after seeing the heartbeat and having that attachment to my little bean was a whole different experience.  So if there's no idea as to why it's happening, I'm not sure I'm willing to keep going to be honest.

I am hurt, but this time - I'm so angry. I'm furious for everyone who said to just leave it up to God.  Not that I had any other option, but God didn't seem to have a positive future planned out for me and this little guy and it's not fair.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I have done everything I was supposed to, I made all the changes I was supposed to.... What about all those other people who do everything WRONG their entire pregnancy... Why do they deserve to have multiple children that I end up paying for because they sit on the welfare system? What makes them more worthy me?



That's where I'm at with this.  It's not a good place to be honest.  I tend to hold grudges, and God isn't getting off scott free this time, that's for sure.

(and please, for anyone reading this - please do NOT spend your time telling me that the pregnancy was terminated because there was something wrong with the baby... I KNOW that, I've heard it repeatedly since m/c #1, I get it.  That's the logical process and frankly logic is nowhere near where I am at this point...)