She knows the buttons to push...

Nearly everything she does, she pushes my buttons.  She looks at you with this squinty smirk and answers questions in the bitchiest way she can. She shrugs her shoulders when you're trying to talk about choices and how we ended up where we are, and she says "I don't know" knowing that it makes me want to jump out of my seat.

When she steals she has lo logic to it.  She steals expensive things, she steals things she already has, she steals just to steal. And then gets mad when she gets caught.  Her therapist said to start taking things of hers and use her excuse of "Because I wanted to" against her. Try and help her understand how the other person feels.  I haven't done it yet because I want to be around for the fall out.  But I'm traveling this week. It's not fair to leave my husband to deal. . .

Trauma is a bitch

Adoption was a blessing for us, but no one, and I repeat no one, could have prepared us for the struggles we would face.  It's funny - when a mom is putting her child up for adoption through a private agency, she is offered therapy.  At the expense of the adopting family (through the insane fees the agency charges).  When the mom declines, that agency eats those fees. When she accepts, the mom gets the guidance and support she needs to come to terms with her decision.

What about the child? Where is that therapy? The therapy of being ripped from their parent, and the life they knew, and being placed in a new home.  And then, if that fostering doesn't result in adoption, they're ripped again from the home they knew, and replaced. Where is THAT therapy? That's on the new parents.  That's what parents do. Get their children who are pleading for help in the only way they know how (acting out), and get them help.

And while they're getting help, what happens to the parents. When do they get help? When do they get to breath? When do they get someone to walk them through this? What does that look like? Because while we are beyond fortunate that we do not pay for the agency that is helping L and soon to be helping A, what if we were? We can barely pay bills some months, how do families do that? How do families survive this?

As everyone is posting these amazing new years resolutions, goals and hopes for 2020, I'm sitting in my living room, sobbing. I'm listening to the sound of my oldest scream, and stomp and scream because (her words) "I didn't get what I wanted".  And when a consequence happened, one she was aware of, warned of and warned a second time of, she opted to do what she wanted.  Again, because she wanted.  And my middle, for the first time in 5 years of therapy, used a tool.  She used a tool she learned this afternoon, thanks to her amazing caseworker.  When I brought it up and reminded her of that tool she came back from the brink of no return, and she breathed, and she used her words, and she calmed down.

But what about me? Do I just power through until they're "ok" and then spend time / money / energy in therapy? How do I cope? What does mom do? Between 3 kids we have 6 weekly therapy sessions (two happen during school), and 3 nights spent at practice / sports.  So when does mom get help? How does mom get help? #askingforafriend #imthefriend

One therapist... two therapist.

Apparently finding therapists for children is hard. Finding a therapist for a child on state coverage is even harder. We were on a waitlist all summer, and now that we got a therapist, she's shown up to appointments twice.  Rescheduled 3x and now we got a call that she's no longer with the agency, so we wait. Again.

She stole an iPhone

I've spent the last hour in shock. I went to put a coat away in my daughter's locker at home and found an iPhone. An iPhone she intentionally hid in another inside coat pocket so she didn't get caught.  An iPhone she stole from our friend's daughter.

My daughter stole an iPhone. I thought saying it would help. But it doesn't.  This isn't the first thing she's stolen, that was gum from the store and I made her return it.  I thought that would help.

Then she "found" things on the floor she'd bring home.   Then she stole from a classmate.  She missed field day for that and had to buy a pack of gum replacement.

This summer she stole MY extra phone. And money off the counter.  She just takes things. Small things, big things, whatever she wants. Whatever she feels like.

I've spent the last 30 minutes looking up how to discipline a child who doesn't seem to mind consequences. She minds them enough to hit me and bite me and throw a fit for 4 hours, but not enough to not do the same thing over.  She minds missing her Friday night movie but not enough to make better choices.

How... How do I get her to care? To consider anyone else? What if this had been expensive and she broke it? I don't have that type of money, and she doesn't.  She's 9. I know how much these cost.

I'm devastated and grateful I discovered this before she got home from school so I could attempt to process my emotions.

How do you handle a child who doesn't care?

Do you let her run?

When you have a runner, do you let her run? Do you chase after her? Do you hop in your car and following along until she comes to her wits end and comes home?

All of these are things I texted my friend after my daughter's explosive fit today left me with my shoes on, waiting for her to take off. And whens he did, I went running after her.  She's faster than me, I'm out of shape. My blood pressure was through the roof before I went, but I went. And she greeted me kicking and hitting.

I'm tired, I'm physically in pain from her.  I hit my breaking point today. I asked for part time status at work so I can try and sort out everything. Between getting her to appointments and lessening the anxiety I have being in this house with her. Or the panic attacks I sometimes have before I even GO HOME because I anticipate her explosion before I've walked through the door. Because it happens far too often.

This is a broken momma, who has run out of steam.

Adoption.... The full story.

When we got matched with our children, we knew very little about them. They were in foster care at two different homes. My two oldest were in one home, and the third was in a separate home.  They didn't know each other. They didn't know they had more siblings.

The process was grueling and I'm sure if you really want to know, I'll happily fill you in. Please don't say "oh how amazing for those children!". We didn't adopt because we're good people (but I like to think we are). We adopted because we wanted a family and because I couldn't provide one.  We adopted because there are, just locally, thousands of children who want the same thing; a family.

So we went on. We met them, and we bonded and we spent the next 6 months under the watchful eye of Children's Services.  And then they were ours.  And now we're a family.....

Now what?  No one prepares you for a child. No well-meaning advice. No books. No classes.  And if that wasn't bad enough, absolutely, positively nothing can prepare you for not one, but three children, all at different ages, staggered experiences straight out of foster care.  You know nothing about them. You laugh, you cry and you pray. 

I spent the first 4 months in total chaos.  I had no idea how to go anywhere with these littles suddenly everywhere.  Our house was chaos. We moved. We got a bigger house with a bigger yard.  It felt nice to breath.

If you followed our journey online, we look amazingly happy and the kids are growing and at peace. It's everything you could ask for, right?

How about the mom who can't bond with her daughter.  The daughter we walk on egg shells around because she's vindictive and defiant but when you face her with consequences, or a simple No, people are ready to call the police because you think there's abuse happening.

I get you strangers, I feel it.  I would too if I heard her screams last for hours and hours and you don't know what is happening.  I promise though, before you do, please know - mom is trying. She's screaming too, just in silence, while she cries in the shower.

The return

I needed an outlet and here I am. I wasn't sure this blog even existed still, to be honest. I had moved it and just assumed (shame on me) that this disappeared in the mix. But it didn't and it's here.  And it's oddly comforting to read. I apologize that plenty of the pictures attached to old posts are gone. Again, I assumed this left. 

Status update: I'm drowning in a sea of parenting, overwhelmed with the emotions, stress and frustration that comes with it. 

This blog sat idle for about 10 years.  Why? Because in that time we learned I will not be having children. Three miscarriages, 5 rounds of IUI and a declined IVF future - we accepted that it wasn't in the card for me. 

So we adopted.  We entered the process with a private company in hopes of adopting one single baby.  Somehow along that long, expensive, frustrating and invasive process - we adopted three siblings. 

I have PLENTY of back story to explain, but for right now - I need to know I have a home, to vent and cry and maybe, just maybe, find out I'm not alone...