Trauma is a bitch

Adoption was a blessing for us, but no one, and I repeat no one, could have prepared us for the struggles we would face.  It's funny - when a mom is putting her child up for adoption through a private agency, she is offered therapy.  At the expense of the adopting family (through the insane fees the agency charges).  When the mom declines, that agency eats those fees. When she accepts, the mom gets the guidance and support she needs to come to terms with her decision.

What about the child? Where is that therapy? The therapy of being ripped from their parent, and the life they knew, and being placed in a new home.  And then, if that fostering doesn't result in adoption, they're ripped again from the home they knew, and replaced. Where is THAT therapy? That's on the new parents.  That's what parents do. Get their children who are pleading for help in the only way they know how (acting out), and get them help.

And while they're getting help, what happens to the parents. When do they get help? When do they get to breath? When do they get someone to walk them through this? What does that look like? Because while we are beyond fortunate that we do not pay for the agency that is helping L and soon to be helping A, what if we were? We can barely pay bills some months, how do families do that? How do families survive this?

As everyone is posting these amazing new years resolutions, goals and hopes for 2020, I'm sitting in my living room, sobbing. I'm listening to the sound of my oldest scream, and stomp and scream because (her words) "I didn't get what I wanted".  And when a consequence happened, one she was aware of, warned of and warned a second time of, she opted to do what she wanted.  Again, because she wanted.  And my middle, for the first time in 5 years of therapy, used a tool.  She used a tool she learned this afternoon, thanks to her amazing caseworker.  When I brought it up and reminded her of that tool she came back from the brink of no return, and she breathed, and she used her words, and she calmed down.

But what about me? Do I just power through until they're "ok" and then spend time / money / energy in therapy? How do I cope? What does mom do? Between 3 kids we have 6 weekly therapy sessions (two happen during school), and 3 nights spent at practice / sports.  So when does mom get help? How does mom get help? #askingforafriend #imthefriend

She stole an iPhone

I've spent the last hour in shock. I went to put a coat away in my daughter's locker at home and found an iPhone. An iPhone she intentionally hid in another inside coat pocket so she didn't get caught.  An iPhone she stole from our friend's daughter.

My daughter stole an iPhone. I thought saying it would help. But it doesn't.  This isn't the first thing she's stolen, that was gum from the store and I made her return it.  I thought that would help.

Then she "found" things on the floor she'd bring home.   Then she stole from a classmate.  She missed field day for that and had to buy a pack of gum replacement.

This summer she stole MY extra phone. And money off the counter.  She just takes things. Small things, big things, whatever she wants. Whatever she feels like.

I've spent the last 30 minutes looking up how to discipline a child who doesn't seem to mind consequences. She minds them enough to hit me and bite me and throw a fit for 4 hours, but not enough to not do the same thing over.  She minds missing her Friday night movie but not enough to make better choices.

How... How do I get her to care? To consider anyone else? What if this had been expensive and she broke it? I don't have that type of money, and she doesn't.  She's 9. I know how much these cost.

I'm devastated and grateful I discovered this before she got home from school so I could attempt to process my emotions.

How do you handle a child who doesn't care?